Beyond Human 

Hello again!

In this episode Aileen and I venture into slightly different territory - relationships with non-humans.  We take you ‘on a tour’ of myriad relationships we may not think about much but are really important - the connections we have with pets, places, nature, time, even food and faith. These relationships shape our days, can comfort us, challenge us, and sometimes even reveal parts of ourselves we didn't know were there.

If you've ever felt utterly transformed after a walk by the sea or noticed how your dog seems to know exactly when you're feeling low or found yourself reaching for the biscuit tin when you're anxious rather than hungry you'll know what we’re talking about. In our opinion, these aren't trivial connections - they matter deeply.

The comfort of presence

Let's start with pets. In this episode, I talk about my rescue dog Bronnie, a Staffy cross, who protects me from any whiff of loneliness. He doesn't fix my problems or offer advice, he just is. That presence, that unrelenting love, is deeply consoling.

Aileen mentions an ex-partner's cat who seemed to know exactly when he was sad or unwell. Animals are tuned in to us in ways we've perhaps stopped being tuned in to ourselves. They're gloriously, completely present. They don't worry about yesterday or tomorrow, they're just here, now, with us.

And perhaps that's the invitation: to let them teach us something about presence. To notice how being with them can bring us back to ourselves.

Nature: the unrelenting giver

Then there's nature. Aileen describes it as something that unrelentingly loves us; it sends out the sun, the colours of autumn, the spring blooms. I see it a bit differently. To me, nature does its thing, irrespective of whether we notice or not. It's there, knowing its gloriousness and wonder and the question is: do we witness it?

Either way, both of us agree that when we do spend time in nature, walking in the woods or along the sea, wondering aimlessly in the park, everything shifts. The trouble is, we don't always give ourselves permission to take that time. We can think it's indulgent, or we should be doing something more "useful."  One of the other joys of living with a dog is I’m required to walk outside, whatever the weather and however I feel.  He just gives me that little push, or even support, to go outside and see what nature’s up to.

That walk, that moment of stillness by the water or in the park can be one of the most useful things we can do.  What if we consider the possibility that that time in nature is essential, not optional?  A million miles from indulgent…..

Time: the great illusion

Time is another non-human relationship we consider worth exploring. Aileen admits she has a terrible habit of thinking she's omnipotent and in control of time, always trying to push against it, to expand it somehow. I've felt that too.

In the episode, I make a distinction between Chronos time (clock time) and Kairos time (expanded, present time). Chronos is linear: one minute follows another, it’s mechanical, fixed, non-negotiable. But Kairos? That's a domain we can enter when we’re fully present - some practitioners call it “flow”.  In Kairos time three hours can feel like ten minutes because you're so deeply connected to the activity you’re engaged in.  The same can happen in reverse - ten minutes can feel like three hours because time has expanded somehow and you’ve been able to have the most intimate connection or ticked off a dozen tasks you’ve been dreading easily.  Your state has allowed you to be so present it can almost feel miraculous. It’s hard to explain but when you experience it you know it.

We access Kairos time through presence and it can show up when cooking, engaging in sport, being creative, engaging in deep conversation. It's that flow state where your attention is fully engaged and everything just works. The trick is learning to recognise when we're in it, and how to invite more of it into our lives.  It’s the opposite of Aileen’s description of pushing against time in that omnipotent “I’m in control” way.

Food, distractions, and self-observation

Then there are the trickier relationships - the ones we use to soothe or distract ourselves. For some of us, it's food, for others, it's the apps on our phone (social media / porn / games) or compulsive shopping or alcohol or other stimulants.  You’ll know which ones are your go-to’s and it’s likely you’ll not be thrilled.

Aileen shares honestly about her relationship with food—how she notices herself reaching for the fridge the moment she feels something slightly uncomfortable or has started worrying. She calls it comfort eating, a pattern she inherited from her mum. The hand goes towards the fridge, the fridge opens, the cheese appears, she devours it. The whole process is completely automatic, unconscious.

The advice she's been given and found helpful is to ‘just’ notice.  I’ve deliberately put the ‘just’ in quotes because there’s nothing ‘just’ about it…  As simple as it sounds, it's profound.  Self-observation, truly watching ourselves without judgment, is one of the most powerful spiritual practices there is. But it's also hard, because when we observe, we feel, we can't numb out. And the whole purpose of these trickier relationships is to avoid feeling whatever we’re feeling.

When we eat on our feelings (or whichever off the list is your drug of choice), we're essentially pushing uncomfortable emotions or thoughts away. The invitation is to do the opposite: to sit with those feelings and say to ourselves: "Oh, that's actually quite painful" or "I'm frightened," and to then go on to reassure ourselves that it's okay, we can do this. We don't need the chocolate or the scroll or the drink. We've got this.  Even if we don’t yet know what the solution is we can reassure ourselves that we will find a way forward, and that feeling our feelings is a crucial first step.

A practical tip: Aileen has found putting her phone into black and white mode has made it less attractive - within moments she’s found she’s lost interest. She’s realised, through self-observation, how much her attention is hijacked by colour and design. You might find it helpful too.

Place, belonging and safety

Aileen recently moved from London to Bournemouth after 30 years, and she's been reflecting on her relationship with place. She talks about noticing the different rhythm, the slower pace, the silence, the way people let her cross the road. There’s an added component for her as a brown woman - she's aware of checking: am I safe here?

She’s cultivated a new habit of saying good morning to people and making eye contact, something that wasn’t viable in her area of London. She's found that Bournemouth wins every time, everyone responds, everyone engages. Those small moments with strangers have reinforced a sense of safety and ease in her new home town.

If you're curious about your own relationship with place and short of time you could try something as simple as crossing to the other side of the road on your daily commute, to look up instead of down or take a different route.  Small changes can wake you up, shift your perspective and switch off the autopilot. You're here.

The divine, death, and what holds us

Towards the end of the episode, Aileen raises two enormous relationships we often don't speak about: God (or the higher power, the universe, the divine, the ultimate) and death.

Whether you're religious, spiritual, agnostic, or atheist, you will have a relationship with the divine. It might be a relationship of belief or disbelief or questioning but it's there. And for some people, like Aileen's friend who lives with chronic illness, that relationship with faith is what keeps loneliness at bay.

And then there's death. The one thing we all know is coming, and yet we rarely talk about. Aileen's mum died suddenly, forcing her to look at it fast. I've been spending time in India in recent years and seeing how death is spoken about very differently there, sometimes even celebrated. Here in the UK, many of us tend to avoid it.

When we embrace our mortality, really sit with the fact that this will all end, something can shift. It can help us start to live now, savour this conversation, this moment, this person in front of us. We can realise that each moment, once it's gone, will never come again and in that realisation there is the possibility of freedom.

So, what now?

You might like to reflect on one of these non-human relationships:

• Your pet (if you have one): what do they teach you about presence?
• Nature: when did you last give yourself permission to simply be in it?
• Time: are you always pushing against it, or can you find moments of Kairos?
• Food or distractions: what are you reaching for, and what might you be avoiding?
• Place: do you feel a sense of belonging where you are?
• The divine or death: what's your relationship with the unknowable, the inevitable?

Just notice. Try not to judge; the invitation here is to observe as that's where the shift begins.

If you'd like to explore these ideas more deeply, do listen to the full episode. You'll find it at thesexandrelationshipspodcast.com.  In the future we hope to do a deep dive into all of these – they’re each worthy of their own episode. 

Take good care of yourself, you're doing brilliantly.

Clare