Bliss to Blame
Hello, and welcome back.
If you've ever found yourself thinking, 'What on earth was I thinking? This person is all wrong for me' when previously they seemed perfect, you're not alone.
Most of us will have had the experience of meeting someone and feeling like we’ve come home. Everything feels magnetic, sublime even. There's astonishing chemistry, the sex is incredible, you're finishing each other's sentences, laughing at the same jokes. It's bliss.
And then, seemingly out of nowhere, the same person who made you feel whole starts doing your head in! Suddenly, their quirks aren't endearing, they're exasperating. Maybe they wont stop (or start) talking or their attitude to money makes no sense – they’re stingy or reckless or they’re so uptight about keeping the place tidy…. Everything that at the start drew you together now pushes you apart; what was once complementary has now become divisive. You've moved from bliss to blame.
This shift can feel bewildering, even devastating. You might find yourself rolling your eyes when out with friends, recruiting them to validate that yes, you're right and your partner is very VERY wrong. You might feel resentful, superior or just plain stuck. The relationship that once felt like the answer now feels like the problem.
Why Bliss Happens (and Why It Can't Last)
That early bliss isn't an illusion or even a delusion but it is chemically enhanced. At the beginning your brain floods with feel-good drugs like dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin. These elevate your mood, make the world make sense and help you take the emotional risk of getting close to someone new.
But it’s not possible to sustain that level of bliss and have a regular life. The day job needs attending to, the bins need emptying, the bills need paying. These aren't blissful activities, but they are part of living a full life.
When you fall into bed with someone and it's wonderful, it feels like coming home. That's magnificent! But it also means that when disappointment arrives, it's amplified because the initial connection felt so profound.
Why Blame Happens
What attracts you in the first place is your differences. Think of magnets - opposite poles attract. Your differences create that magnetic pull. But when you fast forward six months, a year, two years, those same differences become the source of friction.
The talker wishes the reflector would speak up. The reflector wishes the talker would pipe down. The initiator feels exhausted. The responder feels nagged. The tidy one resents the mess while the messy one feels criticised. Suddenly it's 'Why can't you be more like me?'
The blame phase is also fuelled by the stories we tell ourselves and others. You recruit friends and family who agree with you. 'You're right’! ‘They're wrong'! This builds righteousness and superiority which leads to resentment. You start rolling your eyes or making little digs or undermining your partner publicly. In the moment it might make you feel better but what you're actually doing is widening the gulf between you.
And it gets entrenched. Before you know it, you're trapped in a pattern: bliss, blame, bliss, blame. Rinse and repeat.
What You Can Do About It
1. Recognise it's a phase
Both bliss and blame are phases, they're not permanent states. Seeing them as phases means you can move through them. You're not trying to get back to the bliss you had at the beginning (that's impossible), you're working towards a different kind of connection, one enriched by the struggles you've been through together.
2. Ask yourself: What did I fall for?
This is such a softening question. When was the last time you named what you liked about your partner? Try it now. What drew you in at the beginning? Was it their humour? Their calm? Their warmth? Their spontaneity?
It’s highly likely those qualities are still there, you've just stopped being in the mood to receive them.
3. Communicate – try to listen more than you talk
Communication isn't just about saying your piece. It's about listening, really listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak but actually hearing what your partner is trying to tell you.
Try a daily check-in. It can be as simple as two minutes each. Use 'I' statements: 'I think', 'I feel', 'I want', 'I like'. Then feedback what you've heard. It seems formal at first, a weird contrivance, but it becomes second nature if you stick with it. Start with straightforward content and then, once your confidence grows, move into more controversial topics
4. Choose your confidants wisely
You don't just need cheerleaders, you also need people who will challenge you. Be wary of recruiting people who just shore up your righteousness and malign your partner as that path leads nowhere good. It’s important to also have friends who'll say, 'Hang on, you said what?' Friends who'll reflect your words back to you without judgement so you can notice what you’re saying. Friends who'll ask, 'What do you actually want here?' Friends who’ll dare to point out your partners’ strengths.
5. Honour your differences
Your differences aren't the problem. They're the ingredients of a healthy partnership. You need difference to have chemistry, balance, richness. The challenge is learning to validate, honour, and even celebrate those differences instead of trying to eradicate them.
This doesn't mean merging into one person. It means creating a container where both of you can be yourselves and that's valued.
6. Seek win-wins, not compromise
Compromise often leaves two people unhappy. Instead, look for win-wins. Play to your strengths - maybe one of you enjoys cooking and the other finds cleaning rewarding, or one is open to ironing and the other happily sorts the washing, one of you is a keen gardener and the other is happy driving and so on. Most things can be solved this way if you're willing to be creative and honest. Once you have shared out tasks according to tastes and preferences there will be a short list to compromise over. Equality doesn’t need to look like both of you doing the same things for half the time.
7. Allow the possibility of an ending
This isn't about threatening your partner or using separation as manipulation. It's about being brave enough to say: 'We loved each other so much at the beginning that we want to see if we can find our way forward but maybe we can't’. That's okay to acknowledge.
Sometimes naming the possibility that it might end can motivate both of you to really try. And sometimes, honestly, it is time to call it. But either way, you'll know you've done the work.
Exercises to Try
Daily Check-In
Set aside five minutes a day. One of you speaks for two minutes using 'I' statements. The other feeds back what they've heard. Then swap. Do this every day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night, or over the phone if you're apart.
Weekly Reflection
Ask each other: 'Is there anything you wished you'd said this week?' or 'Is there anything that's bugged you that we haven't talked about?' It's a gentle way to mop up the small things before they become big things.
The 'What Did I Fall For?' Exercise
Write a list. What attracted you to your partner in the beginning? Be specific. Then read it to yourself. Notice how you feel. If you feel brave, read it to them.
Further Resources
In this episode, we reference the work of Esther Perel, another relationship and psychosexual therapist who’s written a couple of books (Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs) and also makes podcasts and writes blogs. If you’re not familiar with her work we recommend you look her up. She speaks beautifully how healthy long-term partnerships contain many different marriages within one marriage. As we change, our relationships must change too.
We also touched on the idea of accessing relationship support. Aileen referred to going to Relate so if you're in the UK and looking for professional support you could try them www.relate.org.uk.
A Final Thought
Whether your journey takes you from bliss to blame and back to a different kind of bliss, or whether it takes you from bliss to blame to separation, there will be life on the other side. And there will be things you've learned about yourself that you can carry forward.
The work is always worth it. Even if the relationship doesn't last, the work you do on yourself, on how you communicate, on understanding your patterns, your triggers and your behaviours in relationships - that stays with you and can be taken into subsequent partnerships.
So be kind to yourself. Be brave. And remember, whatever challenge you’re facing, it will pass.
If you'd like to hear the full conversation that inspired this blog, do have a listen at thesexandrelationshipspodcast.com
And as always, feel free to let me know how you get on. You can always respond to this blog if you'd like to share what's resonating or use the “ask Clare” button on the website.
With warmth,
Clare