Making Work Work

Hello again.

In this blog I’m talking about work and I don't mean the 'what do you do?' kind of conversation. I mean your relationship with work - how you feel about it, how much space it takes up in your life and whether it feeds you or drains you. I’m also going to talk about the relationships you have within work – relationships with colleagues, line managers, unrequited crushes, unwanted attention. It can all get tangled up together, can't it?

Work is where we spend so much of our living time. Yet how often do we actually pause to ask ourselves: do I like my job? What do I like about it? Is it the people, the doing, the creativity? Would I rather be doing something entirely different - working with my hands, or outside, or, or, or…..?

These are questions we're asked as children at school, but we don't always ask them again.

Feeling Trapped, Stuck, or Just 'Going Through the Motions'

I hear from so many people who feel stuck. Perhaps you've been in a role for years, worked your way through promotions, and now you feel you can't replicate your earnings anywhere else. You've got dependents, bills, maybe a mortgage. You're done with the job, but you feel you have no choice but to stay.

That's a terrifying feeling. And it's made worse when you think about the people who depend on you, or the lifestyle you've become accustomed to. The thought of walking away, taking a risk, can seem enormous, even impossible.

Then there are those of us holding down two, three, even four jobs just to make ends meet. We might be balancing our jobs with caring responsibilities & raising children. In those situations, 'trapped' isn't just a feeling, it's a reality. “I genuinely have no choice. This is my life, and this is how it is”.

There's also the other extreme: workaholism, when work has become our everything, a compulsion. Maybe it's because you love what you do - Aileen describes herself like this 'because I love my work I don’t recognise this - I think a workaholic is someone who's doing it and doesn't like it'. But loving your work doesn't mean it's healthy to let it consume you. When work is a way of avoiding difficult areas of your life, your relationship, your teenage children, your ageing parents - it sets you up for challenges. It doesn't work to only work.

You might recognise yourself as a 'functioning workaholic', holding down a significant job, looking fine on the outside, but missing out on sleep, proper meals, relationships, friendships, your health, your body. It's like functioning alcoholism, but with work and  culturally, we applaud it. 'Gosh, you work so hard!' It's seen as positive. But is it?

Why This Happens: Vocation, Fear, and Avoidance

Some of us have vocations. For one person, a job is just a job while for another, it's a calling. The blessing and curse of a vocation is that it's very hard to switch off. It's not 'I work to live', it's 'I live to work' and whilst that can feel deeply fulfilling, it can also mean other areas of life get neglected.

Then there's fear. Fear of being 'rumbled' - you might have heard the term 'imposter syndrome'. If you’re caught in the belief that it's only a question of time before everyone discovers you shouldn't be doing what you're doing, you might work relentlessly to avoid being found out.

And sometimes, work is a distraction. It's a place where you feel organised, successful and in control. At work, you don't see yourself as a mess. Most of the time you know what you're doing, you have people around you and it all seems to function. So, if things at home are difficult, work becomes the easier place to be.

There's also the influence of how we were raised. Many parents and grandparents were brought up with the mentality and experience of 'a job for life.' That context can feel unsettling nowadays if you’re a young person trying to find your way or you're advising young people to try different things, to see what fits.  The present can feel unstable and insecure. Increasingly, however, that's the new reality: career paths are often now less linear, more exploratory and we all have to come to terms with that.

Navigating Relationships at Work

And then there are the relationships within work. The colleagues you didn't choose but are required to work alongside every day. The dynamics can be wonderful, friendships for life or deeply challenging.

Unwanted Attention

Sometimes someone at work lets you know they fancy you and it's not okay with you. Maybe it's subtle: slightly too long eye contact, standing too close to your desk, hovering, or maybe it's more overt. Either way, you've got the ick and if they're more powerful or important than you, it becomes even trickier. How do you manage someone's ego, especially when they're higher up the hierarchy?

Here's what I've learnt: don't do nothing. Step one is noticing: 'I've got the ick, I feel uncomfortable, this isn't okay for me.'  Don't shut it down or ignore it.  Listen in and take yourself seriously. Then talk it through with someone - a trusted friend, your partner, a family member or even a colleague.  Once you've named it, you’ll likely find that airing the concern helps you decide what to do. It might be leaving the room when they walk in or speaking to HR. There isn't a one-size-fits-all solution, but the action starts with noticing and not dismissing your own discomfort.

Unrequited Feelings

On the flip side, what if you're the one with the crush? You've gone into this job, and suddenly you fancy someone. Do you say anything? Do you suggest a drink? What if you've made an advance and it's been rejected and now you've got to go back into work the next day.

The textbook advice is 'don't mix work and pleasure' but let's be real: the workplace is where we meet people. Attractions happen, falling in love happens and sometimes it's mutual. So, whilst it's wise to be self-protective, you don't want to be so defended that you never take a risk and miss out on a potentially fulfilling relationship.

Before you put yourself out there, ask yourself: am I up for this? Do I have the resources to cope with the possibility this isn't mutual? What's my plan if I get pushed back? Putting yourself out there is brave and if it doesn't go the way you hoped, naming the awkwardness can help. Being honest with the other person and yourself can ease the tension.

Promotions, Friendships, and Loyalty

Then there are the complications of promotions. A friend gets a job over you. Or they knew they'd got the promotion but were told not to tell you and you're left feeling betrayed. 'I thought you were my friend. Why didn't you tell me? Where's your loyalty to me?'

It's helpful to remember that workplace relationships are different to personal relationships. Loyalties here aren't exclusively to each other, they're also to the employer, to the line manager, to the fact that this job pays for rent and bills and shopping. That doesn't mean workplace friendships aren't real or valuable. But the rules are different. And that's worth being realistic about.

What You Can Do: Mindset, Choice, and Balance

So, what can you actually do about all of this? Here are some practices and exercises to help you shift how you relate to your work and the people in it.

1. Reframe 'Trapped' as 'Choice'

If you're feeling stuck, take time to look at your mindset. How much is what you're thinking about your work adding to the situation? You might genuinely have limited options right now but there's still power in saying, 'I choose to do this job.' Even if it's not your dream role, recognising it as your best option for now can shift how you relate to it.

Ask yourself: why have I chosen this? Is it because it's near where I live? Because it gives me CV points? Because it allows me and my partner to work together? Because the pay suits me. Once you uncover your reasoning, you move from victim to agent. That word 'choice' is incredibly empowering.

2. The Pause Practice

Pause regularly to connect with how you feel about your work. Do I actually like my job? What do I like about it, the people, the doing, the creativity? Would I like to try something different?

If you're suspecting you might be a workaholic, use pausing as a diagnostic. Ask yourself: what was my intention today? Was it to go for a walk? To have a rest? To eat a nice lunch? If none of those things happened, you're probably doing too much.

3. Check Your Balance (Literally)

We often talk about 'work-life balance,' but the most important word in that phrase is balance. Try standing on one foot. How's your balance today? If you're out of kilter in your relationship with work, it will show up in your physical balance and in every other area of your wellbeing.

Also, try flipping the phrase: 'life-work balance.' It's quite fun, and it reminds you that life should come first.

4. Make Small Adjustments

If you can't change your job, can you change how you experience it? Maybe it's about where your desk is.  Can you face it towards more light? Can you add a photo or object that makes you smile? Can you bring a really nice lunch every day? Small things can make a difference.

5. Resist the Complaining Culture

It's easy to find a colleague who agrees with you that the job is terrible and spend all day complaining together. Over time that can become destructive as it takes you into a downward spiral. If you've chosen to be in this job, focus on what you can control, your mindset, your small adjustments, your boundaries.

6. Consider Making Your Own Work

If you're self-employed or thinking about it, there's both great fear and great liberation in that. It can also unleash creativity. What have you always wanted to do? Who could you collaborate with? Making your own work, even alongside a day job, can be joyous.

7. Notice and Name Discomfort

Remember, if someone's giving you the ick or you're experiencing unwanted attention, don't ignore it. Notice it, name it to yourself and then to a trusted friend or colleague. Take time to consider what action, if any, you want to take. Sometimes it's as simple as leaving the room when they enter and at others it's escalating to HR. Either way, it starts with taking you and your feelings seriously. You matter.

8. Be Realistic About Workplace Friendships

Workplace friendships can be wonderful, but they exist within a hierarchy and a set of professional obligations. Loyalties aren't exclusively personal, they're also institutional. Knowing this doesn't mean you can't have deep friendships at work, it just means being realistic about the context.

A Gentle Reminder

Work is a big part of life. It contributes to everything—it pays for your holidays, your hobbies, your home. If you really hate your work, you can find yourself bringing that misery home and then expecting home to fulfil everything you're not getting at work. That's unfair - to you and to the people you live with. So, it's worth pausing to think about work, because it affects everything.

If you'd like to explore this more, have a listen to the full episode – it’s here on the website. If you have any questions or something particular has resonated, feel free to let me know, I'd love to hear from you.

Take care of yourself.

Clare x